Resolution Revolution

New Years Resolutions?  Sure, I made a few.  Wish I could say I’d keep them all but, hey, I’m a realist.  I know a few will fall by the wayside.  Nonetheless it doesn’t hurt to write them down…

Get more fluids

Have chocolate reclassified as a fluid

Learn how to strip an engine

Make awesome hand puppets and put on awesome hand puppet shows

Get colonoscopy

Stop stalking Joss Whedon

Can some jams

Jam some cans

Finish genealogy and prove my kinship to actor Dean Jones

Get my allergies under control

Eat more arugula

Do laundry

Finally understand quantum mechanics

Stop downloading erotic pictures of Ryan Lochte

Re-up my subscription to “Bead & Button” magazine

Reunite with the New Monkees

Purge regularly

Finish dissertation on some subject that’s interesting

Pretend, for the sake of our marriage, that I give half a good damn about Moira’s obsession with “50 Shades of Grey”

Learn all the words to Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass” and choreograph a cute little dance to it

Fish my old Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine out of storage and chill the hell out with some ice treats

Photo bomb a prom photo

Come up with a clever Internet abbreviation like CAG (Chillin’ & Grillin’)

ReturnWho’s Your Caddy?” To Blockbuster (6 years overdue)

Prove, once and for all, that biatch Dina Elwick stole my recipe for cinnamon fritters

Finish that unauthorized biography of my idol, King Vitamin

Schedule deworming for my Lhasa Apsos, Tinka, Sassy and Sir Sheds-A-Lot

Learn to make that Greek dish spanackopitta (or at least learn to spell it)

Oh lofty goals to be sure.  But I’m confident that, this year, I’ll be able to keep most of them.

Well, some.

A couple.

Okay, the laundry one.

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