A WikiLeaks Christmas Special

ANNOUNCER: We hope you’ve enjoyed this special presentation of The Vampire Dairies. We now resume our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.


[Festive holiday music plays. A choir – silhouetted in darkness sings.]

SINGERS: [finishing] … and a partridge in a pear treeeeee!

[Stage curtains close. Lights come up. Audience applauds. Julian Assange walks on stage.]

ASSANGE: [clapping] Wasn’t that wonderful, folks? A big WikiLeaks Christmas hand for our All-Hactivist Choir  … shrouded in secrecy, of course, to protect their identities!

[Applause dies down.]

ASSANGE: Coming up next, we have a man who needs no introduction … that jolly old elf himself … Kris Kringle … Santa Claus!

[Applause as Santa enters. He is bruised and charred.]

ASSANGE: My goodness, Father Christmas! What happened to you? You look like you’ve been through the ringer!

SANTA: I was shot at! Shot at!  Me – Santa!

ASSANGE: (cheekily) I guess someone’s gonna get coal in their stocking this year.

[Canned laughter]

SANTA: But I don’t know how they knew where I was!  My sleigh route is top secret.

ASSANGE: Well, let’s just say nothing’s private in a public world, and … [pulls paper marked “Santa’s Flight Plan” out of his inner coat pocket] … there’s always an elf that’s willing to be bought off!

[Canned laughter]

SANTA:  But … they had rocket launchers!  I – I nearly died.

ASSANGE: A small price to pay for truth and transparency, don’t you think?

SANTA: Julian Assange, you’re a naughty, naughty boy!

ASSANGE: Well, I guess one man’s “naughty” is another man’s “freedom  fighter.”

SANTA: That’s it! I’m outta here. [exits]

ASSANGE: But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight…

SANTA: [off stage] No presents for you, ya Aussie nutjob!

ASSANGE: (chuckling) And I laugh’d when I saw him in spite of myself…

[Doorbell rings]

ASSANGE: (mock surprise) I wonder who that could be.

[Goes to door, opens it.]

ASSANGE: Look who it is, everyone!  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Hermey the Elf!

[Quick applause]

ASSANGE: Come on in, guys.  You just missed Santa!

RUDOLPH: [entering] Fine by me!

HERMEY: [following] Yeah, screw that fat bastard!

ASSANGE: What’s this I hear?  Bad blood at the North Pole?

RUDOLPH: Damn straight!  I read the memo you leaked where Santa called me a “mutant venison freak!” 

HERMEY: Yeah, and I saw that leaked cable where Mrs. Claus tried to hire Yukon Cornelius and the Bumble Monsteras scabs when the elves went on strike in ’07.


RUDOLPH: We just came by to thank you.

HERMEY: Yeah, Julian Assange, you’re a first amendment hero. We’re two of your biggest supporters.

ASSANGE: Like Daniels Ellsberg and Ron Paul!

RUDOLPH: (uncomfortably) Uh, well, like Ellsberg anyway.

HERMEY: So if you need any free dental work …

RUDOLPH: Or anything illuminated by an unearthly light …

HERMEY: We’re your guys!

ASSANGE: Well, now that you mention it, I’m really hoping to get my hands on Santa’s “Naughty or Nice” list…

[Sudden commotion off stage. Heat Miser, Snow Miser and Winter Warlock enter.]

HEAT MISER: Stop right there, Assange!


WINTER WARLOCK: (to Snow Miser) Seriously? You’re doing shtick?

HEAT MISER: You’re under arrest, Assange!

ASSANGE: But I’m covered by Freedom of Speech!  You can’t touch me for violating the Espionage Act!

SNOW MISER: Nope, but we can lock you up for “sex by surprise!”

ASSANGE: “Sex by surprise?” I’m not a rapist!

HEAT MISER: Doesn’t matter if it’s consensual as long as the prophylactic’s faulty.

WINTER WARLOCK: Guess your Wiki isn’t the only thing that leaks.

SNOW MISER: (to Winter Warlock) So who’s doing shtick now?

[The Misers usher Assange off stage while Warlock freezes the camera.]

ANNOUNCER: This concludes A WIKILEAKS CHRISTMAS. Stay tuned for A CHARLIE RANGEL CENSURE on most of these television stations.


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