Archive for November, 2012

Fear & Losing On The Campaign Trail

November 12, 2012

In 1972, I was working for the McGovern campaign, making cold calls to folks in the Plains states. It was July 19th and we (the campaign volunteers) began to hear sobs coming from the candidate’s office. The cries escalated into a low moaning sound. Jennifer, the campaign manager, investigated and found McGovern curled up under his desk in the fetal position. He was totally freaking that no one had remembered his birthday. He bawled like a baby for hours. Finally, somebody went downto the Piggly Wiggly and picked up a sheet cake and a pinata and we threw a “surprise” party for the old goat.

Thinking back, I’m glad Nixon kicked his ass. Wouldn’t want that bleedin’ crybaby with his finger on the button.

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Mag-nificent!

November 10, 2012

For my birthday, Moira got me a subscription to American Snowmobiler magazine.

Thing is – I don’t have a snowmobile. I’ve never even ridden a snowmobile. I think people who go careening on frozen precipitation through National Parks with 145-horsepower between their legs, a rebel yell on their lips, and a penchant for disturbing the pristine beauty and silence of the flora and fauna held close to Mother Nature’s bosom, deserve the type of bad karma usually reserved for captains of ships labeled “unsinkable.” I don’t even remotely care for snow.

When I asked Moira about this, she told me that if I thought she was going to pay Publisher’s Clearing House hard-earned money for a subscription to Maxim or Stuff or FHM so that I could “ogle bulimic tarts with bust sizes only slightly larger than their IQs” then I had better pull my head out of my arse and get a hobby. Then she smiled and put on a little number from Victoria’s Secret and gave me my real birthday present.

God I love that woman.

Hyper-thetical

November 8, 2012

Who would win in a fight – a Tyrannosaurus Rex or rhino? Did I mention that the rhino has a rocket launcher? Did I mention that the T. Rex is a trained assassin? Did I mention the rhino is gunning for the tyrant lizard king because the dinosaur killed his family? Did I mention that the carnivorous theropod has been extinct for over 60 million years? Did I mention that the rhino has time traveling equipment? Did I mention that Rex has escaped to a parallel dimension? Did I mention the rhino is able to track his prey across timelines? Did I mention I could go on like this all day? Better stop reading this while you can.

Now, imagine the rhino has morphing abilities … but the Tyrannosaur has read Sun Tzu’s “The Art Of War” and he’s studied under some of the great commanders of military history – Wellington, Hannibal, Rommel (“I read your book, you magnificent bastard!”) … only the rhino can see into the immediate future. And the T. Rex needs fuzzy dice, just ‘cuz it makes him look cool. But the rhino has lasers! Yeah, lasers mounted on his horn. Oh, sweet…

I warned you.

And the Rex is frozen in ice which is discovered by scientists millions of years later and he gets thawed out. Crap! That’s the plot of “Dinosaurus!” (And that was a steaming pile of celluloid, lemme tell you.) Oh well. We’ve come this far. But the rhino, he – he has a crack squadron of flying bandicoots which can distract the T. Rex. Snap snap. Crunch. Rrrrrarrrrgghhh!!!! Grrrr!!!!!! Stab. Slash. Fzzzzzt!!! Whirrr. “Dive! Dive!” Aooooooogah! Aooooooogah! Aooooooogah! NNNNNrrrrrrrrroooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

Yeah, you’re right. It’d probably be a draw. Man. I had money on the rhino.

Sparky MacMillan is 45 and single.

Suggest Early and Suggest Often

November 6, 2012

A little Election Day motivation from Key & Peele…

Fly Like An Eagle

November 5, 2012

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” – John Benfield

They do if you throw them high enough … or attach enough helium balloons to them.

Fin Art

November 4, 2012

Bad movies have been a Hollywood staple since before Jolson sang Mammy. B movies, schlock cinema, low-budget celluloid – they all have a role to play in the multiplex and the direct-to-DVD world. But every now and then something comes along that staggers the imagination… a movie so seemingly awful that the name alone suggests all measure of film tedium and stagnation. Such a movie is Sharknado. Yes, a tornado made of sharks. Not much to go on at this point other than a one sheet that might make Roger Corman jealous (or roll his eyes, who’s to say) and a blurb with pungeant copy along the lines of “nature’s deadliest killer rules water, land, and air.” But there’s no reason to doubt this is real, this is happening and this is coming to a Redbox near you (or more likely debuting on Syfy’s Saturday night craptastic ghetto of Z movie shame). Sharknado. This may not be the end of cinema as we know it, but I suspect you can see it from here.

JFK PSA, OK?

November 2, 2012

Quod Erat Demolition

November 1, 2012

Amongst all the destruction of hurricane Sandy, one item that seems to jump out is the devastation of the New Jersey town, Seaside Heights. Why the focus on this one particular locale? Seaside Heights is where MTV’s Jersey Shore was filmed. Again, so what? The series is over and the house where the Jersey Shore cast lived appears to have escaped any damage. Yes, but it seems this tell-tale meteorological anecdote seems ripe for picking by atheists who can use it as absolute proof that there is no god. For it there was, they can assert, wouldn’t a supreme being have sent this massive tempest straight towards this beachfront haven three years ago when they first starting filming this televised abomination, thereby sparing us the horror of Snooki, Pauly D and all other human virus made pseudo-famous by the whole GTL plague?