The Presidential election is just days away and we’re being assailed by bids and polls and announcements from candidates and pundits and the like from all quarters.  But what about me, you ask?

Let me make this clear: I have no political ambitions whatsoever. If asked, I will not run. If chosen, I will not serve.

And yet: could I? Would I? Is there even a possibility? Not in this life. Too many things prevent me, too many reasons not to vote for me.  And so. Here it is. A list of the many reasons I cannot, could not, may not, would not and shall not ever – EVER! – be President of the United States.

I was once the Coordinator of the Carolina Comic Book Club at UNC

The fact that I own no suits

My middle name is “Desiree”

I taught Honey Boo Boo everything she knows

Allergies to cumin

I lie like a dog

I think Publisher’s Clearing House is a conspiracy and won’t rest until their doors are closed and their board is deposed

Willie Nelson and I did our taxes together once

I make my women walk two paces behind me

Abs of steel; brains of tartar sauce

My success in Branson has made the Oak Ridge Boys my eternal enemies

I have gone on record as saying that I will never appear on TV until “Small Wonder” is brought back

The “Flat Earth Society” has me on their speed dial

I was a teenage werewolf

I once played hide and go seek with Kool from Kool & the Gang

That “Kiss Me, Hillary” tattoo on my arse

I live for “the perfect wave”

I am a vegetarian

Were I to place my hand upon a Bible, I might just burst into flames

My addiction to cough medicine

Pink is my best color

Restraining orders by both Gilmore Girls

I know the lyrics to all of Ace of Base’s songs and sing them whenever I am in front of reporters

I don’t know the definition of the word “quit.” I honestly don’t know!

My membership in the Cutey Bunny fan club

A hot dog makes me loose control

I owe Tracy Morgan money

I was born on the Isle of Man and am not legally an American citizen

July 16th, 1995 (no specifics)

I never miss an episode of “The Chew”

My blood was replaced with a mixture of maple syrup and Tang in 1988

I think the three branches of government are igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic

Those photos of me and Bill Nye the Science Guy with those sorority girls

I wouldn’t kiss a baby if my lips were on fire and the baby was made of water

Of course, the main reason I could never be President – my integrity and principles.

Sigh.  No politics for me.  Oh well.  There’s always morning radio, I guess.


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