Archive for November, 2008

SAFE But Not Home

November 14, 2008

I still could use your help in voting online for my favorite shelter, SAFE Haven For Cats.  It takes very little time and you can vote every day between now and December 1st!  Just read my previous post HERE and help out a worthy cause.  Thanks.


People I Hate #19 (In A Series)

November 14, 2008

Who: The guy at the convenience store who thinks it’s funny to say “A hundred and eighty-five dollars!” when it’s really only one dollar and eighty-five cents.

Why: It’s not funny.  Not even remotely.  Yet he thinks it’s freakin’ hilarious.  Otherwise why would he risk fraud charges by giving me, a complete stranger, false information regarding the purchase price?  Plus he’s not just one guy but multiple humor-impaired yokels who work cash registers at a myriad of 7-11 type stores across the land – not because it was a career choice and he thought it best to eschew his astronomy degree for a life in a sub par customer service field dispensing gasoline, alcohol and lottery tickets to the unwashed but because his high school guidance counselour made it quite clear that his future involved either smocks, hairnets and grease or panhandling and he chooses to deal with the utter ennui, desperation and futility with what he perceives to be a clever joke.

How I justify it: Hate is easier than contempt.  (I’m not proud; just honest.)


November 13, 2008

I found a sheet of paper in my office with the following poll result scrawled on it:

10% of the American public would pay 5 dollars to see Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) fight a big mean dog on Pay TV. 86% would root for the dog. 100% of women would.

I got this from Michael Moore’s TV Nation in the early 90s.  I found it fascinating and I guess that’s why I kept it in my office for 15 years.  I can recycle the piece of paper now that I’ve shared this factoid. 

No, it’s not OCD; it’s just a deleterious need to horde stupid crap.


November 12, 2008

Despite the economic bad times, moviegoing is up!  UP, I say!  Perhaps when your 401K has just done the financial equivalent of the final scene of Thelma and Louise, the only solace you can find is by turning to something equally senseless … which may at last explain why Beverly Hills Chihuahua was #1 for more than one week.

So, wrap yourself in comfort with this trio of film-laden web sites:

Check out 20 CLASSIC TOYS THAT AREN’T MOVIES YET.  I’m anxiously awaiting Magic Eightball: All Signs Point To Yes!


And finally look ahead to the future and what may be the 50 BIGGEST MOVIES OF 2009.  “Big” is a relative term when #50 is The Pink Panther 2


Pine Sale

November 11, 2008

I was in the grocery store earlier and I saw an item for sale which honestly baffled me. It was obviously intended for use as a holiday decoration, but to me it was the equivalent of selling crayon drawings of hand turkeys done by pre-schoolers at an art gallery.

Scented pine cones.

I’ll say again. Pine cones. Scented.

The bag sold for $12.99.  Which means the entire target demographic for this product is Martha Stewart wannabes too stupid to realize that they could walk out into their backyard with a bottle of Old Spice and create the same damn thing on their own.

Scented pine cones.  Ah, well. Some folks’ll buy anything, right?

Take that stupid Ped Egg, for example.

I’m Thinking R-Rated

November 10, 2008

Y’know, in retrospect, I think this is why my first marriage went bust.  No matter how hard I pleaded, she just wasn’t willing to dress up like a fast food drone and bring me crappy caloric colon bombs.


November 9, 2008

The TV show Heroes needs help, that much is clear.  A shakeup, a shakedown, a shake-your-fist-in-anger bustup.  And that’s why someone had the bright dea to suggest 6 WRITERS WHO COULD FIX HEROES.  Any one could, though it’s doubtful any will.  Still, a clever exercise nonetheless.

Dog Bites Man!

November 7, 2008

In case you’ve missed it, amidst all the talk of what kind of dog the President Elect is going to get for his two young daughters, Barney the White House Dog made headlines by biting a reporter.  Here’s the vid:

Now, as someone who has worked closely with veterinarians for many years, I understand that dogs can get a little stroppy as they age due to declining health or changing tempers, but if you’d asked me eight years ago which member of the Bush family had the best chance of being put down for being too aggressive and biting a reporter, my money would have been on Jenna.


November 7, 2008

It was 1954, television’s golden age, and I was working as assistant to the lead property master at the now-defunct Dumont network.  Aside from Captain Video and Studio 57, our main project was a fledgling game show called Blow Out The Candles.  The premise was pretty elementary: three contestants vied for the chance to have their very own birthday party, complete with cake and ice cream.  The questions were pretty simplistic, too (“Who created the cartoon character Mickey Mouse?”), and it was a bona fide hit for three weeks during the summer. 

However, one night, the lead prop guy, Buster “Crabby” Stunton, got stinkin’ blind drunk and fell onto the birthday cake we were gonna use in the prize sequence.  Well, we didn’t have any others baked and the studio chef had already clocked out for the day and all nearby bakeries were closed.  So, we made up our own, a “faux” cake, out of plywood and caulk and painted it with white chrome matte.  It looked beautiful and no one would have been the wiser had not the emcee, on a spur of the moment lark, tried to take a bite right out of the upper tier.  He broke two teeth.  On live television.

Crabby and I got our heads handed to us by the producers and we never worked network television again.  Last I heard, Crabby lived in a tent Phoenix where he spends his days taking pot shots at iguana with a pellet gun.  Compared to my lot, that’s a bloody paradise.

Post the Presses!

November 6, 2008

The Newseum takes a look at the front pages of hundreds of newspapers the day after a historic election.  See how many ways folks can work the words hope and change into a headline. 

Personally, I think it would have been funny if one of them had just put Obama’s picture under the headline: THAT GUY!