The Flehmen Response

Color Me Rad

sparkymac — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 07:41:06 +0000

The guys of OK Go are back – and this time they’re on the street! Sesame Street, that is. Primary colors are the subject and the band’s own brand of video whimsy is along for the ride. Enjoy!

Night Heirs

sparkymac — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:43:53 +0000

I was woken up at about 4:30 this morning by muffled cries coming from my son Jake’s room. I grabbed the cricket bat I keep by the nightstand and rushed in, expecting to find him half out the window in the midst of an alien abduction or something. Instead, he was just sitting there, rocking back and forth on his bed, tears streaming down his face. He picked up his pillow and screamed into it and I sat down and asked him what the problem was. He just looked at me thorugh red eyes and said – in pretty much the same voice that kid in the Sixth Sense used to tell Bruce Willis he saw dead people – Who would win in a fight – a bear with an assault rifle or shark with a hand grenade? I got up, when downstairs, poured him a glass of water, came back up and gave it to him. It’s moments like this that I’d like to comfort myself with the knowledge that he’s adopted or that Moira was unfaithful but I can’t avoid the stone cold fact that he’s mine and my genetic code runs through his DNA like a bacteria-resistent infection. ”The bear,” I told him. “I worked it out in storyboard last week. I’ll show you tomorrow. Now, go to sleep. You’ve got ice skating drills in a few hours.” Armed with the solution to his dilemma, he settled in and was fast asleep as soon as he fell back onto the Adventure Time bedsheets. Yep, my boy all right. I can always recognize my particular brand of wacko.

True Dud

sparkymac — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 04:52:04 +0000

Saw a trailer for the upcoming romantic drama - The Vow - and while I know I’m not the target audience (since I possess one of those pesky Y chromosomes) I still can’t help but call into question a phrase that shot across the screen during this particular Nicholas Sparks-concocted treacle-fest: Inspired By True Events. Seriously. Inspired By True Events. Not “Based On A True Story” or “Based On The Bestselling Novel” or even the egregious “Ripped From The Headlines.” Nope – “Inspired By True Events.” Since I’m sure the studio is following every truth in advertising law the MPAA can muster, I have to ask myself, Just what the hell does this mean? Logically, it means that this thing called The Vow, while barreling forward with the heart wrenching subtlety of an emotional steamroller, is as closely related to the truth as a koala is to Kuala Lampur. If pressed to swear in a court of law on just what “true events” this flick is based I’d guess the filmmakers might say something like, “Uh … well, we heard about this person once who spelled vow in Scrabble.” Of course, by claiming even the most tenuous association with real life this insulin-coma-inducing sentimental slopper is sure to attract the sort of starry-eyed, unrealistic patron that made Twilight a force of nature and gave Celine Dion a career. And while that might not quite rise to the level of war crime I feel it deserves a damn good eye roll at the very least.

Candidates Are A Superstitious, Cowardly Lot

sparkymac — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:32:08 +0000

I saw a car the other day outside the dry cleaners. In the rear passenger side window, there was a cardboard sign that read: Batman Supports Mitt Romney. It was obviously scrawled in crayon by some child in a strange attempt to merge two worlds that couldn’t be further apart. But it got me to thinking:

Who would Batman vote for?

Such a vigilante with a “helping the helpless” streak might seem to some to be card-carrying liberal, but I think that his “tough on crime” stance coupled with Bruce Wayne’s millions makes him a natural conservative. But which Batman are we talking about? The square-jawed Bob Kane Batman? The Adam West campy Caped Crusader? Frank Miller’s Dark Knight? Joel Schumacher’s nippled farce?

Maybe Batman would be a Libertarian. Or a Green. Or Tea Partyer.

Who the heck knows? All I can say for sure is that the Darknight Detective could afford a better campaign sign than some corrugated second-grade art class piece of crap.

Da Da Da Dum

sparkymac — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:59:28 +0000

“If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.” – Tom Stoppard

And it would have spared us from several really bad dog movies.

Roamin’ Numerals

sparkymac — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:45:31 +0000

Sometimes, I like to go to the all-night Harris Teeter and pick up some of those candy numbers for kids’ birthday cakes. I then go home and make out mathematical problems with them, like 45 x 3 = ?, usually breaking up the ones to form the times and equals signs. If I can solve a problem within a preset time limit, say, ten seconds, I get to eat the entire problem, all the numbers and everything.

I stop when my teeth begin to hurt, I get a sour belly or I pass out from the sugar rush.

Time Passages

sparkymac — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:59:36 +0000

I indulged in one of my favorite post-holiday traditions this past week: discount calendars! Yeah, boy, that’s the stuff!

I always make certain to pick up the one calendar that I just must have before the end of the year, but wait until late January or early February to make the rounds and check out how much of a bargain the on-sale calendars have become. I found some 50- percent-off calendars a few weeks back, but thought I’d wait it out and – boy howdy! – I struck paydirt! Calendars for 90% off at Barnes & Noble!!! Woo hoo!

I spent over FIFTY dollars on calendars! And, let me say, there are a LOT of bizarre and unusual ones out there. Some of my favorites were…

Battered Piñatas

Nerdy Guys Who Have the Hots For That Goth Chick on NCIS

The Many Moods of Nixon

Action Figures in Compromsing Positions

The Amish Dirty Joke Punchline-A-Day Calendar (today’s: “Obviously, thee hast churned butter before!”)

Clogged Drains of the Stars

Harry Potter and the Twelve Months of the Year

Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!

Mug Shots of the NFL

Seasonal Allergies of Nobel Laureates

Monkeys Eating Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

Urinals of the West’s Greatest Truck Stops

Where’s Waldo’s Pudding Cup?

Acne Patterns of Hoboken Teens

Bruises by Chris Brown

The Egg-A-Month Calendar (February: Mmmm, poached!)

366-Things-Bill-Gates-Bought-With-The-Money-He-Saved-By-Being-A- Supercuts-Customer Page-A-Day Calendar

My walls are virually covered with calendars now. Like a sort of cheap wallpaper. All those calendars and I still can’t remember when rent is due or when to mail in my phone bill.

Hands On

sparkymac — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 03:26:47 +0000

The spanking.

What kind of sado-masochistic lamebrain decided that this was a good idea for birthdays? Yeah, sure. Let’s round up the birthday boy and smack his widdle heinie a few times. And one to grow on, ya mook!

Boy howdy, that’s some sick, twisted, ritualistic crap.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

sparkymac — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:39:49 +0000

Five Teenage Crushes

Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class

Heather Thomas

Pia Zadora

Starfire from the Teen Titans

Martha Quinn

Five Guilty Pleasures

My weekly mani-pedi

Dance Moms on Lifetime

Ke$ha concerts

Bob Evans caramel banana pecan cream stacked and stuffed hotcakes

Kate Beckinsale kicking butt in a skin-tight leather costume

Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago

Captain Francesco Schettino

Jerry Sandusky

Doug Hutchison & Courtney Stodden

Dr. Conrad Murray

That smoking guy in the Herman Cain ad (okay, technically, still don’t know his name but the shoe fits)

Five Dumb Reasons To Become A Mime

Fortune cookie told you to

You think chicks think mimes are sexy

Had vocal cords surgically removed on a bet

The awesome tax breaks

Shields and Yarnell fetish

Five Things That Would Be Cool If Alec Baldwin Said Them

Move that bus!

A 15% gratuity will be added to parties of six or more.

May I mambo dogface in the banana patch?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours.

Do the chickens have large talons?

Sparky MacMillan sounds like a coyote in a trash compactor.

Error Proof

sparkymac — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 08:30:14 +0000

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” – George Bernard Shaw

Oh, great. I’m honorable. Well, I got that to look forward to on my tombstone.