The Flehmen Response

Da Da Da Dum

sparkymac — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:59:28 +0000

“If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.” – Tom Stoppard

And it would have spared us from several really bad dog movies.

Roamin’ Numerals

sparkymac — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:45:31 +0000

Sometimes, I like to go to the all-night Harris Teeter and pick up some of those candy numbers for kids’ birthday cakes. I then go home and make out mathematical problems with them, like 45 x 3 = ?, usually breaking up the ones to form the times and equals signs. If I can solve a problem within a preset time limit, say, ten seconds, I get to eat the entire problem, all the numbers and everything.

I stop when my teeth begin to hurt, I get a sour belly or I pass out from the sugar rush.

Time Passages

sparkymac — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 07:59:36 +0000

I indulged in one of my favorite post-holiday traditions this past week: discount calendars! Yeah, boy, that’s the stuff!

I always make certain to pick up the one calendar that I just must have before the end of the year, but wait until late January or early February to make the rounds and check out how much of a bargain the on-sale calendars have become. I found some 50- percent-off calendars a few weeks back, but thought I’d wait it out and – boy howdy! – I struck paydirt! Calendars for 90% off at Barnes & Noble!!! Woo hoo!

I spent over FIFTY dollars on calendars! And, let me say, there are a LOT of bizarre and unusual ones out there. Some of my favorites were…

Battered Piñatas

Nerdy Guys Who Have the Hots For That Goth Chick on NCIS

The Many Moods of Nixon

Action Figures in Compromsing Positions

The Amish Dirty Joke Punchline-A-Day Calendar (today’s: “Obviously, thee hast churned butter before!”)

Clogged Drains of the Stars

Harry Potter and the Twelve Months of the Year

Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!

Mug Shots of the NFL

Seasonal Allergies of Nobel Laureates

Monkeys Eating Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

Urinals of the West’s Greatest Truck Stops

Where’s Waldo’s Pudding Cup?

Acne Patterns of Hoboken Teens

Bruises by Chris Brown

The Egg-A-Month Calendar (February: Mmmm, poached!)

366-Things-Bill-Gates-Bought-With-The-Money-He-Saved-By-Being-A- Supercuts-Customer Page-A-Day Calendar

My walls are virually covered with calendars now. Like a sort of cheap wallpaper. All those calendars and I still can’t remember when rent is due or when to mail in my phone bill.

Hands On

sparkymac — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 03:26:47 +0000

The spanking.

What kind of sado-masochistic lamebrain decided that this was a good idea for birthdays? Yeah, sure. Let’s round up the birthday boy and smack his widdle heinie a few times. And one to grow on, ya mook!

Boy howdy, that’s some sick, twisted, ritualistic crap.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

sparkymac — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:39:49 +0000

Five Teenage Crushes

Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class

Heather Thomas

Pia Zadora

Starfire from the Teen Titans

Martha Quinn

Five Guilty Pleasures

My weekly mani-pedi

Dance Moms on Lifetime

Ke$ha concerts

Bob Evans caramel banana pecan cream stacked and stuffed hotcakes

Kate Beckinsale kicking butt in a skin-tight leather costume

Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago

Captain Francesco Schettino

Jerry Sandusky

Doug Hutchison & Courtney Stodden

Dr. Conrad Murray

That smoking guy in the Herman Cain ad (okay, technically, still don’t know his name but the shoe fits)

Five Dumb Reasons To Become A Mime

Fortune cookie told you to

You think chicks think mimes are sexy

Had vocal cords surgically removed on a bet

The awesome tax breaks

Shields and Yarnell fetish

Five Things That Would Be Cool If Alec Baldwin Said Them

Move that bus!

A 15% gratuity will be added to parties of six or more.

May I mambo dogface in the banana patch?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours.

Do the chickens have large talons?

Sparky MacMillan sounds like a coyote in a trash compactor.

Error Proof

sparkymac — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 08:30:14 +0000

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” – George Bernard Shaw

Oh, great. I’m honorable. Well, I got that to look forward to on my tombstone.

Huh huh. You said, “Bust.”

sparkymac — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 03:45:30 +0000

This is going to be cool. Or maybe this will suck more than anything that has ever sucked before. All I can say is if you are a Beavis and Butt-head fan, proceed at your own risk; this could give you nightmares.

Some dude – artist Kevin Kirkpatrick, to be exact – has created lifelike busts of degenerate animated teens, Beavis and Butt-head. And, man, it’s freaky. You see these guys comin’ at you and you move to the other side of the street and call the police, not necessarily in that order. Still, it’s kinda fascinating in a I-can’t-look-away/disfiguring-auto-accident way.

See the Beavis and Butt-head prosthetic models – HERE.

Warning: you may need TP for your bunghole.

The Newtly Wed Game

sparkymac — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 04:00:58 +0000

Okay, I’m no fan of Newt Gingrich. Honestly, I’m not. Politically, he seems like a weasel to me and, personally, he seems like a jerk. But that’s my opinion, of course. Mine alone (well, I’m sure it’s shared by a few folks out there) and should an election come along where I am forced to cast a ballot in a race between anyone and ole Newtron Dance I will do so armed with that opinion of him. However, I must say for the record that I think we, as a society, cannot – must not – begin down the slippery slope of honestly taking into consideration what a candidate’s ex-wife says about him. Seriously. We cannot go there. Even under the best of circumstances it will not end well.

The Universe Awaits

sparkymac — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:05:18 +0000

Cupcake Bores

sparkymac — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 07:24:38 +0000

Y’ever go to a birthday party when you were a kid and, instead of a birthday cake, they trot out a bunch of individual cupcakes? Like they figure we’re too stupid too realize they eat the real cake when we leave and just toss us the cupcake bone ‘cuz they don’t want to waste the good stuff on guests. Like I don’t know the score. That’s why I’m taking an extra party favor. Suck it, cheapskates!