Five Teenage Crushes
Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class
Heather Thomas
Pia Zadora
Starfire from the Teen Titans
Martha Quinn
Five Guilty Pleasures
My weekly mani-pedi
Dance Moms on Lifetime
Ke$ha concerts
Bob Evans caramel banana pecan cream stacked and stuffed hotcakes
Kate Beckinsale kicking butt in a skin-tight leather costume
Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago
Captain Francesco Schettino
Jerry Sandusky
Doug Hutchison & Courtney Stodden
Dr. Conrad Murray
That smoking guy in the Herman Cain ad (okay, technically, still don’t know his name but the shoe fits)
Five Dumb Reasons To Become A Mime
Fortune cookie told you to
You think chicks think mimes are sexy
Had vocal cords surgically removed on a bet
The awesome tax breaks
Shields and Yarnell fetish
Five Things That Would Be Cool If Alec Baldwin Said Them
Move that bus!
A 15% gratuity will be added to parties of six or more.
May I mambo dogface in the banana patch?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours.
Do the chickens have large talons?
Sparky MacMillan sounds like a coyote in a trash compactor.
